Merry Christmas
by LizStirling
Summary: She feels the need to call him, but she knows that wouldn't be fair. He probably moved on a while ago and she did too. Until she couldn't stand it anymore.


**I wrote this forever ago, but didn't want to publish it until christmas. It's kind of the dark side of the whole plot and i really hope we don't have something like this in 'the good fight', but it felt good to just write it down. And of course I know there is still unfinished business with an other story, but it seems like I have no ideas lately. Anyway I hope you enjoy this one.**

She is standing near the window. It started snowing a while ago and ever since then she stares out the window onto the white, cold streets. She is waiting for her cab to arrive, because there is one last christmas party to attend. Secretly she hates it. All the people who pretend to like each other and all the fake laughs. But that's her job. That's her life and she can't remember doing something else on christmas eve than working. Except the last three years. Because she found out that christmas could be indeed nice when you have somebody to come home to. And because of that she can't help feeling the wish to just stay home. Alone. Near the fireplace with a glass of her favorite wine and some light music. Just to be able to let the grief take over for once. But now she is already wearing that red gown she bought recently and even if she is definitely not motivated to go anywhere, her dress tells different. It fits her perfectly and there is no way to deny that she looks just fantastic. And when her cab finally arrives she takes her coat and purse and walks out into the cold christmas eve.

Only minutes later when she finally sits in the cab, the snowfall gets heavier and she can't stop thinking about that day 4 weeks ago in Paris. She had taken a few days off. She needed time to think. Time to review the last year before the new one was about to start. And than, totally out of the blue, she run into him on the Champ-Elysee. Paris had been already white from all the snow in Europe and she had decided to take a last walk down the street before she was leaving the next day. That evening the snow had been extremely dense. And than in a crowd of million people she ran into someone else with her shoulder and their hands brushed together for a short moment. She kept walking, but turned around after some steps. The other person has stopped as well. It had felt like her heart had stopped for a second, because she hadn't seen him in about a year. But with the blink of an eye there were more people and he was out of sight.

And now, 4 weeks later, she wasn't even sure if it was really him. Why should he be in Paris anyway, he always hated big cities. Why in the world should he have chosen Paris to spend his holidays in. Maybe he had found somebody else, that would explain his sudden change of behavior. Maybe she would get the divorce papers soon. That would be a hell of a christmas present, but who would she be to protest. After all it was her who kicked him out of their home nearly 9 month ago. She told him she needs time to think and that she would call him, but she never did. She was too hurt to call and when it occurred her mind that maybe he told the truth and he never slept with her it was already to late. It would have been embarrassing to call him and he never called either. So it was just normal that he was moving on.

She had managed her life without him quite well. She got used to living alone again quicker than she thought she would. But even if she is trying to push him out of her life, she is still wearing her ring and there is still a photo from their wedding day on her nightstand. She refused to put these items away just yet. She isn't ready for this, because he once was a big part of her life and she is definitely not ready to let the good memories go.

And that damn snow reminds her of every single one. Diane is glad when the cab finally arrives at the courthouse. At least she can set her mind on something else now. The annual christmas party in the halls of the courthouse is indeed something. And this year the states attorney didn't invite her firm, but just her. Of course she is still presenting Lockhart, Quinn & associates, but maybe it's time for something new. After all, there is still an open seat us a judge. Who knows?

She knows the most faces she sees during the evening. Some are more friendly than others, but she manages to surround the most unpleasant conversations this evening. After all, she is the best lawyer in town and putting on a mask is one of the easiest thing she does. There had been only one day in her life where she didn't manage to stay behind that mask and that had been the day her marriage went down the tube. It still hurt to be reminded of that day. Knowing that she had indeed a week spot was one thing, but being humiliated in court again by her week spot was just to much to take. She never heard his response and she never wanted to. Because when he came home that night his bags where already packed. There had been nothing that could have hold her back. Her mind went blind that day and the week afterwards she had stayed in her bed. She had refused to take any calls, to eat or to shower. And after that week she had pulled herself together. And that had been it. She had never cried a tear again since than. And after he had stopped calling, moving on had become easier. And now she is here. In a crowd of people she doesn't even like on christmas eve.

"Would you give me that dance?" She turns around just to find Peter Florrick standing behind her. There is probably no one in the room she would hate more to dance with, but she doesn't have a reason to say 'no' either so she just nods and he leads her on the dance floor, but she refuses to start any kind of conversation. Instead of saying something his hand wanders dangerously deep down her bare back and Diane feels more uncomfortable with every second and she tries to move away, but his grip is rather firm. "Ms. Lockhart, I just want to remind you that we have still an open seat as judge. I wondered if that could be something you would consider..." Diane has to swallow hard before she is able to respond. "It's still Mrs. Lockhart" is the only thing that comes out her mouth. She can't think of any other defense. "That's really unfortunate." He is moving even closer to her and now she starts to panic. She knows she looks her best tonight and she also used her look quite often in the past to get what she wants, but she never gone that far. Never. That is definitely below her honor.

She uses the next opportunity to get out of his grip and to walk with fast steps to the door without getting to much attention. She doesn't know why, but she feels like she is going to start crying every moment. Only when she steps outside, she notices that she had hold her breath. The cold air feels good on her face and she inhales deeply to get her steadiness back.

That is until someone grabs her arm and the fear from earlier returns the moment she looks in Peter Florricks eyes. He looks angry and furious. Even years later she still considers it a wonder that she can move away quickly when his hand flies down to meet with her face. Instead she pushes him away from her and places a hard slap on his right cheek. That gives her enough time to run down the stairs, as fast as she can in her heels, and reach the next cab. Only when she sits inside she starts breathing normal again. That was dangerous and tight, extremely tight. This moment she feels the need to call him and tell him everything that happened, but she knows that wouldn't be fair. A tear rolls down her cheek and she leans against the cold window when suddenly she sees him standing at the end of the stairs she just run down.

There's a moment of eye contact between them, just enough for her to be sure that it is indeed him. Did he saw everything or did he just try to get a cab. There are so many questions she has no answer for. And that makes her cry even more. It's not the fact that Peter Florrick had touched her inappropriate in more than one way or that he thought he could buy her. It's because there is nobody she can tell, no one who understands and no one who protects her. She had suspended the best thing in her life so easily, without thinking, because her pride was hurt. And now she was so deep down that she has no clue how to get up again. She feels nasty and dirty and she can still feels Peter's hands on her bare back. That dress hadn't been the best choice after all.

Silent tears are running down her face while she's on her way home. They just don't stop. Not even when the driver stops at her apartment and she walks up the stairs and lets herself into the cold, lonely apartment. She's so desperate and unhappy that the first solution that comes to her mind is alcohol. She sits down on the floor with smudged mascara and a glass of scotch. And after she lets her tears run free she feels a little relief, because that's what she was holding back for 9 month now. She doesn't do anything that night. She just sits on the floor in her red gown, still with her high heels on and the bottle of scotch beside her. She is so deep down there is probably nothing that could push her farther. So she drinks and drinks and drinks. She is feeling better with every glass, but she is still no drunk. The reason for that must be that she consumed much more alcohol than usual in the last months.

She is still sitting in the same position an hour later. Now tipsy, but still not drunk enough for her taste. When she hears the front door open she doesn't react at all. Why should she? Secretly she hopes that it's someone with a gun so he could shout her right there and now. But it's no burglar. Not really. Diane needs some time until she notices Kurt standing in the doorway to the living room through her dizzy mind. He looks distressed and afraid as he looks at her, buts she is not in the condition to do anything. Even when he kneels down beside her there is still no reaction from her. She is just starring straight at the wall. But than he takes her in his arms and she starts sobbing monetarily. She is holding on to him as he is the only thing in the room and the tear are coming way faster now. She doesn't care how he found her or why he is here now, she is just glad he is. After some time he picks her up and carries her into the bedroom. He gently undresses her and than he takes his shirt of and pulls it over her head. He lays her on the bed as gently as he can. Through her tears and sobs she notices that he has a chapped lip and she wonders if he hit Peter. But she is still not able to form a correct sentence so she just stays in his arms.

"I'm so sorry, Diane. I'm so so sorry." It's the only thing she hears him say. She wants to tell him that it's alright and that she was wrong and that it isn't his fault, but no word is leaving her mouth. Instead she turns around after a while and looks him in the eyes. The kiss that follows is light and sensitive, but loving. She strokes his face and than clothes her eyes. "Merry Christmas."


End file.
